This week is the final week. If you had asked me at this time last year how long I thought I’d nurse for, I’d probably tell you (and probably did tell you!) that I’d do it until I couldn’t anymore. At that time, I gave it a few more weeks realistically and even the thought of one more day seemed impossible so many times. My goal was to hit six months, but after seemingly endless complications with pain and infection, I just wasn’t sure I could hack it.

But, eventually, I felt better and it became what I hoped it would — a relaxing time with Delaney that I could spend with her while also providing the absolute best nourishment for her growing body. And here we are, almost 14 months later, and I’m just now weaning her from her last feeding.

In some ways, I feel like this is a uber private matter to talk about but in reality, it’s not. Sure, we’re talking about a part of my body that I’m extremely private about (as many are) but at the end of the day, I’m feeding my child. That’s it.

I still feed Delaney first thing in the morning, but for the last 3-4 months, my body has been fighting it. My body is done and I do think that I am too. Change is hard for me and with every passing day, Delaney is becoming more and more of a kid so I should only expect that I will face this with fear as she’s still just by baby.

You give up a lot to be a nursing mother and I don’t say this to mean that you don’t give up a lot if you don’t. You give up so much no matter what you do as a parent — it’s just different things. I don’t feel like I’m better because I’ve done this for so long, but I do have to say that for me, I feel victorious. When you do something that you find challenging and hard, it feels incredible when you succeed at it – particularly if you care so much about it. I’m proud of myself on this one, as it’s been such a central focus of my life since Delaney was born.

For more than a year now, nursing Delaney has been a major part of my day. It’s the first thing I do when I wake up and pumping is the last thing I do before I go to bed. Every single day. I am excited to have this time back, to know that I can sleep later than her if I need a break or to know that I can leave all day if I need to and not have to think about pumping or drinking enough water to keep my supply up or rushing back home to feed her. It’s been stressful in many ways, but it doesn’t change how emotional I am about it being over.

I will miss:

• The way Delaney is calm, rubs my back, plays with my gold necklace, smirks at me, and the way her little hands open and shut as she focuses on eating as fast as she possibly can
• When she gets distracted by Jordan in the room and leans back all the way, looks at him upside down, and laughs
• The way she plays with my hair, pets my shirt and explores every feature of my face with her little baby hands (including poking me in the eye, which is hilarious and cute…and painful sometimes)
• The way her little body curls up against mine and wraps around me in the most perfect fit
• Seeing Delaney at her absolute calmest time of the day. I’m sure she will still be snuggly in even better ways, but right now, this is the only time she is still all day long
• The days when she would fall asleep after or while eating, getting warm and heavy in my arms almost instantly
• Laying down with her in the early morning (pre-sleep issues)

I will not miss:

• Feeling stressed out about my supply, like I have almost every day
• Pumping… ever…but especially right before bed when all I want to do is go to sleep or watch TV or do anything but sit at the dining room table attached to a machine
• Not being able to take full advantage of breaks I’m given by family, daycare or babysitters because I’m either hustling to pump or rushing back to feed Delaney
• Delaney getting mad or thrashy because she’s still hungry (this is the saddest)
• Not being able to just sit on the couch with Delaney and hug her or play with her without her associating me with eating
• Packing my pump, pump parts, bottles, sanitizers, having to figure out how to keep milk cool/frozen, finding somewhere to store milk in hotels, and adding complexities to even the shortest overnight trip
• Worrying about whether the milk has gone bad
• Frozen milk taking up our freezer

I will miss this time with you Delaney and I wanted to document how I’m feeling about the whole thing. You are my most special girl and I’ve loved having this special bond with you and hope you know how hard we worked to make sure you got the best nourishment possible — we love you so much. The good news is now you get a big ‘ol bottle first thing in the morning — wahoo!